I hate therapy. I hate feeling. It SUCKS.
But, I keep going back. When I get entirely annoyed with the whole process, I think about Claire and how I don’t want her to go through life feeling like I do. I want her to feel whole, not damaged. So I keep going back.
If someone had told me that having kids would make me do all these hard things, I would have reconsidered.
Just kidding.
Maybe.
Another lady mix tape?! Oh yes, that is just what I need!!! Take me away from the folk stuff and get me back to Monie Love!
P.S. I still have “Vickie’s painful tampon story”…
What roles do I play? Mom, daugher (adult), daughter (14 or so), wife, student (“older”), employee, friend who is real and honest, friend who leaves a lot out but is still friendly.
I have a tendency to switch back and forth between some of these roles (and there are probably more, and they are all complex) without even realizing it. I’m trying to get to a place where I know who I am, and not which role I am. I use most of these roles as fronts, as walls, as safety mechanisms. I’m nervous and shy? Put on that successful, smart, boss role and take charge! At school, for the most part, the other students think I’m a pretty down to earth “older woman”, a mom, but they don’t see the goofy side of me.
I suppose we all play roles; some of it can’t be helped. But I use them too much to hide the real me, and I am not entirely sure who the real me is anymore.
My dad came over tonight and showed me a booklet that goes with a series he is watching on DVD. It’s called The History of the Supreme Court by The Teaching Company. The booklet looked SO GOOD. It is a series of lectures by some prof, going through the make up of the court, some of the major cases of the court, etc. I was so excited, flipping through it, going “I know this case! I studied that one! Ohhh, that’s a great one!” He told me when he’s done with all of them he’ll lend it to me. I am unreasonably excited.
And then he called Grady over, and told him about another series he’s going to listen to, also by The Teaching Company, called The Joy of Math. He wondered if Grady wanted to listen to it too. And Grady, being my son, being my dad’s grandson, also got excited and said “Sure!”
I love that this is what my dad is doing with his retirement. Learning. Sharing. It’s so cool.
And how’s this for a cool roll reversal? My dad was very well known in this city (in a positive way). For the 15 years I’ve lived here, it is not at all uncommon for people to say to me “Oh, are you related to XXX?” and then I say, “Yes, he’s my dad” and feel like I have some expectation that I have to live up to. As a part of his retirement/learning mission, he is going to be taking a Constitutional Law class for “Seniors” at a local college this fall. It happens to be taught by the same Law Professor I currently have for Con Law II. I said to my dad “I’ll have to tell Prof. S to look for you!” and he got all weird and said “No, no, don’t do that!” Not that he was embarrassed of me, but he wanted to be known of his own accord and not because of me. Tables turned!
I sat in a room, in a chair around a ring of tables. 10 other people sat around the table, all of them men. I read outloud what I had written, what I had thought about, what I had done. How my life has gotten so crazy that I need it to stop. How I am unable to stop it.
Every single one of those men applauded me with their words. The factory worker, the retired salesman, the athletic director, the gay man, the stay at home dad, the attorney. Every one of them said “Your life is just like mine.” I sat there, feeling raw and exposed. Ashamed, embarrassed. And all they could do is applaud me. Tell me that I am the bravest person they know.
I am awed and humbled by the strength of that group, by what it continues to do for me. For the first time I let them in, I exposed myself, and they responded exactly the way I needed them to.
I went on and continued to have a great weekend.
I lost my way for a while. Actually, I just took some winding paths that took my way out of my way.
I feel a little hope now. Little things I’m doing are helping me remember, recognize, and be the person I started to be. I have an image of the woman I want to be, and I am getting there.
Today I am at the library all day. I went and talked to one of my profs in an attempt to “make contacts” – something I normally hate. I would so much rather sit in the back, and live in my private cocoon. Now I’m studying (shut up, I AM!) and listening to women’s music on Pandora. Chris Williamson, Indigo Girls, Carole King. The music isn’t always the best, but I love the live music, where I can hear the large, celebrating group of women feeling GOOD about themselves. I need to surround myself with that sound and feeling more.
Like a high schooler sneaking a dirty romance novel in school, I am sitting at work reading an article from the Harvard Civil Rights – Civil Liberties Law Review that my ConLaw prof recommended. It’s about the backlash from the Roe v Wade decision and how that helped lead to the growth of the radical right.
I LOVE this shit.
Above on the left is Cash. He was born on 9/9/09 at 3 a.m. He is our latest grandchild. He is the first baby born to Dylan, DTE’s middle son. Holding him is the ever wonderful Reagan, who is now 3. She and Ellie just came to visit us last weekend. Ellie and Dylan are full brother and sister, and this picture of their two kids looks just like they did. That beautiful, wise, sneaky blonde sister, and the sweet, innocent little brother. Uh oh.
Isn’t he just the coolest person ever?! I love people who read.
