Irishgoddess’s Weblog

I am so appalled and disgusted and ANGRY that this shit goes one.  Really?  A pro-lifer killing a doctor in a church – during a service no less?!  I heard one guy interviewed say it was retribution…this was just a “regular” guy on the street saying it.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  I am so angry.

Because Birthday Month is about to start!

I have all sorts of good ideas for the month, which – believe it or not- include posting!

This year the big day is on a Saturday.  I’m having a party in my backyard.  I’m very selfish about my birthday, so am a bit reluctant to have to share the evening with my friends, but I guess it should work out.  Ha.

We’ve been working in the backyard, and it is quite lovely.  It is like an extension of our house, an outdoor room.  My favorite room, really – here are a few shots of from this year:

We have lots of chairs and funky tables made out of old industrial dollies strewn about the yard.  Very cool.

Also on my agenda for today:  change that waaaay out of season banner!

I often long to be alone, but recently realized I no longer am comfortable with it.  It has become foreign to me.  I more often feel lonely, even surrounded by people.

The other morning I took my blood pressure and it was 160/101.  DTE looked at it, said “oooooooh”, and said “Take it again – I’ll hold your hand.”  So he sat down next to me, put the cuff on my other arm, and then held my hand while the machine whirred.  It was 140/90 that time.

PS  I am now on new medication and am no longer nervous about having a stroke.  BP is much better.

ugh, the negativity continues.  Lonely, self-hating, bitchy, cranky, tired, unhappy, whiney, awful.  I KNOW it will pass, but for god’s sake!  I am sick of this whenever it comes around.

Facebook has led me to discover some interesting relastionships with family members.  I chat so much more with my step son and daughter in law, and with a niece of mine.  I have found that I have a lot on common with my mother’s cousin.

I have never thought of my mother’s family as my own, with the exception of my grandparents.  I think most of it is because we lived so far away from her side of the family.  In any case, her brothers were her brothers, but not really my uncles, etc.

So it was startling when her cousin made a comment to me about us both being “Smiths”.   I told her I only ever identified as a “Jones”, and she said “Just look in the mirror!  You are pure Smith!”  And she is right.  The resemblance between my mother and myself is startling.

I was at Cousin’s house because she wanted to do an Energy/Chakra type healing energy treatment on me.  She told me I needed to “think outside the Western medicine box” to understand what she wanted to do.   I think she thought maybe I wouldn’t understand it, or approve of it, while in reality I completely believe in that type of thing.

I, on the other had, was going through major reality readjustment, as I walked into her treatment room and realized she was like many of my beloved therapists, and like one of my early influences and lover, Sabrina.

My  blood pressure when I got there was 164/106.   After one hour of her adjusting my energy, my bp was 140/90.  Still not good, but definately not go-to-the-hospital bad anymore.    The treatment itself was wonderful.  I felt so LIGHT.   It was a gorgeous day outside, and as she did it, a soft breeze was blowing in through the window, and I could hear the birds outside.  It brought me back to my childhood, and those wonderful, safe, loving afternoons where my mom was ironing and watching Days of Our Lives, and I would play outside.

Cousin touched my feet, and my hips, and many other main points on my body, and she helped open me and release energy.  I could feel myself being healed, and it was ironic and wonderful that this very nontraditional healing was being done by a mother-representative of mine.  So far from how my mother really is, but it was like getting a gift from her.   It was a really moving experience.

Moments today I felt so complete.  Happy.  So satisfied from yesterday, feeling wonderful about my friends and loved.  Enjoyed.  Trusted in the love.

Other moments I felt lonely.  Alone.  Unhappy about how jealous I get.  Disappointed in how possessive I am.  Disgusted by how insecure I am.

I start classes again next Monday, and will need to do homework this weekend in preparation.

I only had two weeks off from class, but  it seems like much longer.  I haven’t done much other than come home each night and sit in bed – reading, playing on computer, watching tv – those things that made my mind go blank.  Ahhh.

And then last weekend was pure playtime.  Got up on a Saturday morning at 6 a.m.,  had coffee and bloody marys, and then hit the road with Marc and Alex.  We played games and laughed the whole way down; we were so excited and wound up!   In Chicago we visited with Marc’s uncle, who I have known for a long time.  We drank beer on his porch that overlooks Wrigley Field to the right, downtown straight ahead, and Lake MI to the left.

The game came next, which brought more beer, more sun, and more absolute pleasure.  We kept looking at each other and smiling and saying “I’m having the BEST time!”  Met up with a couple of Alex’s friends, then went to a bar, where we met even more people.  It was one of those days where every stranger was friendly.

The next day Marc and I went for a walk early in the a.m. in search of coffee.  It was so fresh out, and so quiet.  After a poor  night’s sleep it was a perfect way to begin again.

Later on we met up with Rosie, my step daughter who is so much more.  I don’t like to call her “step” anymore, but “daughter” implies a different relationship than what we have.  I just adore her, and have known her since she was a little girl, and our relationship gets better all the time.   She brought her new guy, who I loved.    He got along really well with Marc, which is a strange match up that made me feel good.  And she agreed to go sky diving with Alex.  It makes me feel so fulfilled to have different parts of my life – my family, my school buddy, my best friend – all mesh so well and like each other.

This week has consisted of more relaxing time at home.  DTE is out of town tonight so it’s even more quiet.  Friday I am going out with my lovely Mols and Ree, and Saturday I’m golfing with DTE and Alex.

I feel very, very content.

1.  Having my daughter

2.  having my son

3.  the party after my wedding

4.  Willie Nelson concert with DTE

5.  Driving a Jaguar

6.  Seeing the Rolling Stones live

7.  Seeing the Packers, with Brett, at Lambeau

8.  my dad getting a donor heart

9.  saving this one for future events…

10.  the cubbies game with my two favorite people!