Archive for October, 2007
Epilogue (Halloween Part 4)
I hate Halloween because I have to open the door endlessly to strangers. I have to greet them, and socialize. It goes against that part of me which longs to stay huddled in my cocoon.
I love Halloween for what it used to stand for. The night on which we say good bye, we put the dead to rest.
In college I had a professor who was tall and thin and soft spoken and articulate. I remember he always had on a crisply pressed white dress shirt (as opposed to so many professors who dressed casually) and he rolled the cuffs up in a peculiar fashion – the cuffs turned in, instead of out.
I had him for two classes one semester, one in the a.m., one in the p.m. One day he didn’t show up for the a.m. class. Eventually everyone in the class disbursed. I went home, but before making the long bike ride back to campus I called the department to make sure he was holding the p.m. class. The secretary was confused; she didn’t realize he hadn’t shown up in the a.m. and he hadn’t called in sick.
Two days later, the next time class was scheduled, a new person from the department appeared before our class. The professor was missing. He had left for work as normal, kissed his wife goodbye, and no one had seen him nor heard from him since. Everywhere I went for days and weeks after that I thought I saw him: a glimpse of his back here, a notice of his crisp shirt and neat hair cut there. He haunted me.
Several weeks later his car was found, and so was his body; suicide. Still he continued to haunt me. I thought it strange, aggravating even, I knew he was dead but I – he – couldn’t be put to rest.
I did a Wiccan ritual (maybe it wasn’t really Wiccan, but it was a ritual) and I wrote down on pieces of paper things I wanted to get rid of. He was one of them. I burned each piece in a coffee can in my living room. And just like that – he was gone. No more sightings. He was able to rest.
This year I did nothing so specific, but I am nonetheless performing my ritual right here. I say goodbye to these things – rest well, in some cases, good riddance in others:
-my unfaithful past
-my career in title insurance
-my anguish and fear about my job
-the shame and embarrassment and worry over running into Susan and Janice
-the anger and hurt for Teresa
-the belief that my job defines my success
The door on those things is now closed.
The door is open to:
-learning about and knowing myself as a successful person because of the way I live my life
-letting myself be open to the good in my family and the world
-adventures and challenges with my future – because I am intelligent, spiritual, deserving, and loving.
-an ordinary life that is extraordinary.
-the celebration of calm life
Poor me
In four weeks our finances will be taking a nosedive, and already I’ve been making changes. You might say I’m giddy with anticpation. HA!
1. Keeping the thermostate at 65 degrees, and wearing sweaters indoors.
2. Not keeping the water running while brushing my teeth.
3. Washing in cold water only.
4. Keeping the lights off in any room that we are not using.
5. Taking my expected grocery budget out in cash, and using ONLY that cash at the store.
6. Not dining out.
7. Making my coffee with 1/2 expensive, yummy beans, and 1/2 with Folgers French Roast.
Pitiful, isn’t it? Items 1 – 4 I should have been doing anyway! I know there is a lot more we can do, and probably will have to: library instead of bookstore, no cell phone, no sattelite tv, 100% Folgers. We are so spoiled!
What do you do to save money?
Day 2
Today ended up being much better than it started. I had no idea what to do with myself this morning. I’m not in the middle of a good book right now, but didn’t feel compelled to start one, either. DTE was using the computer so emailing silly things back and forth to my friends wasn’t an option either.
So I scrubbed the kitchen floor. On my hands and knees. I thought about Cinderalla, and I hoped that I would find god, ala Eat, Pray, Love. I also scrubbed all the bottom cabinets, all the baseboards, the dishwasher, the stove (outside only) and the refrigerator, including the bottom register which I cleaned with a toothbrush. My fingers hurt!
I know housecleaning sounds pretty dull, but it was good for me. A good, deep cleaning where I had no distractions, just my thoughts. I need more of that.
At the end of the school day I went to meet Lucy as a surprise. While there, we ran into my dad who was out for a walk. He threw an idea out to me, one that I had thought of off and on in the past, but for some reason (hello, stress and panic) did not think of this time: law school. He said he’d be happy to help me out with it, but I said I still felt responsible for supporting my family and wasn’t sure I could let that go. And then he said something so gentle to me, and for any of you who know me well, you know what he is talking about. He said “You know, grandpa never really did that. And he never really had to, because grandma always made sure to work.” Enough said.
That conversation, that idea, has made me feel excited! I feel in charge again, I feel like ME. I feel light. I feel challenged. I feel like this is the perfect opportunity for me, and it makes sense. Just like our plans to move from this hideous town – the events of the past week, and of the past two years, have conspired to give me – to give us – this wonderful chance.
Two more…
1. I can stay up late tonight watching Monday Night Football, Packers v. THE HATED BRONCOS. (Score at half time, 13 – 7 Packers ahead)
2. Think of all the crap I’ll have time to write about during Nablopomo!
(Business) Day 1
I was nervous for today; wondered how it would feel when the kids left for school. Would I be lonely? Bored? Scared?
I sat at my computer, did lots of searches of some of the bigger employers in town. And then at 9:30 a.m. the phone rang and it was the school saying Lucy had thrown up and could I please come get her.
So for the first time in 13 years I was able to say “sure! We’ll be right there!” and not have to panic, make arrangements to leave work, and/or call my mom to see if she could take the sick kid. It felt great.
****
Later in the day I did go to MI Works, which is a place I have to register for work (and post my resume on line) in order to qualify for unemployment. I did so, and did a cursory job search. I found two jobs out of nine thousand my experience might qualify me for. I was embarrassed to apply though – I am embarrassed to have my name out there in cyberspace (in town) looking/applying for a job via an unemployment office. I image people in my field calling each other: “Ha ha! Did you hear? IG got laid off! Now she is looking for a job!”
How absolutely snobbish of me. (But what would you think if you were an employer, and you got a resume from a 4 star restaurant chef, applying for a job as a fry cook at McDonald’s?)
****
When I think about staying home it appeals to me on several levels. To be honest, one of the reasons is to avoid all of the above. If I don’t go back into the work world, especially into the field from which I came, then I can hide from all of them.
I also want to relax. I want to be one of those women who walks in the morning. I just want to try it on for size, see what it feels like. I want to be relieved of the responsibility, even if just for a while. I want time to get to know myself, to get deep down in my head, to have nothing to divert my attentions. I want to keep having days like I did yesterday, and today, where I don’t feel stress and distraction from my time with my family.
Is that selfish? Unrealistic? Is it ok to not work, and let someone else take care of me and my kids? It feels kind of wrong to me and I can’t put my finger on exactly why. I feel like I’m being spoiled somehow, like I don’t deserve it.
Agenda
Clean the house.
Gather books to sell at the bookstore.
Register at MI Works so I can get unemployment.
Have my dad read through my severance agreement before signing and sending in for my ridiculously insulting severance pay.
Take photos of retro stove to sell on EBay.
Take photos of the 30+ dolls to sell on EBay.
Update my resume, talk with my dad about some of his contacts for possible jobs.
*******
What I really want to do:
Finish reading The Piano Tuner.
Start and finish reading: Middlesex, 100 Years of Solitude, The Mambo Kings Play Songs of Love, Special Topics in Calamity Physics.
Sign up for yoga class.
I don’t know how to do this. I am scared. Even if DTE gets a job, with benefits, I don’t know how to do this.
Fear of the unknown
I am pretty sure tomorrow is going to be a lot more difficult than yesterday and today. Once the kids go back to school and I am still home – what will I do with myself?
I have never not worked. There was a one month period between this job and the one before it, but during that time I was interviewing and negotiating. I knew within weeks I’d be back at work, so it was more like an extended vacation.
I looked at the want ads in today’s paper. That’s what unemployed people are supposed to do, right? Very depressing. I found myself glancing only at areas related to real estate, mortgages, and title insurance, and of course there were almost none. And I don’t want to go back to that! 18 years was enough.
But how do I start something new? How do I change my mindset from a professional woman who wore suits every day? Even if I do find something else relatively soon, what if it’s in health care, or retail, or a bar? I know I want out of my previous field but I don’t know how to be that person. What will I do with my wardrobe that is 75% office wear?
I realize some of these questions in my mind are petty and not hard, but this entire concept of not working is difficult for me. I threw down the want ads, said to DTE “I don’t want to look for a job” and he said “So don’t. I’ll go get something.” And yes, I’m sure he could. But I have never not worked. I don’t know if I can do it.
How did my mom do it? How does anyone do it? I can’t imagine not making my own money; I can’t imagine a life where I trusted someone else enough to provide for me and my children.
Unconcsious Mutterings Week 247
- Inaugural ::
- Pledge ::
- String ::
- Trot ::
- Fitness ::
- Cinder ::
- Edge ::
- 31 ::
- Blue ::
- Leather ::
speech
of Allegiance
brown paper packages
fox
center
block
cliff
red balloons
ice
and lace
Actually I think it’s 99 red balloons… what do you think?
