Irishgoddess’s Weblog

A friend of mine asked me to write about friendships. Specifically, how a radical feminist lesbian and a self proclaimed “crude, boorish pig” from 1989 or so could develop a friendship, and maintain that friendship through today.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and haven’t been able to put my finger on it. There’s the obvious – that we have open minds and are willing to accept each other in spite of our differences. But as I’ve thought about the subject, so many other facets of friendship have come to mind.

I have friends that I love, but really don’t like. I have friends that I like, but if I didn’t ever talk to them again it wouldn’t bother me too much. I have 3 friends that I call “best friend” but there are parts of me that none of them see. I have friends that I tell everything to, but we aren’t close. I have a new friend who so far I have been able to tell everything to…I have a feeling she will be one of those friends that I will love no matter how often we speak.

I’m trying to categorize these friendships, and make them fit somehow. But it really doesn’t work like that, does it? Friendships are so complex, and depend on so much – where you are in life, where the other person is, are you close in proximity to each other? Do you talk daily? Email? Write? Does that make a difference to how you feel about them?

My oldest friend isn’t even a friend, and I haven’t talked to her in over 20 years. She was my best friend in kindergarten, and we met up again in 5th grade and were inseperable until my family moved out of town two years later. Those are intense times to have a friendship. I haven’t talked to her since I was in 10th grade, but I still wonder about her and wish her well.

In college I met some lovely, wonderful women. Two of them are the type that I go years without talking to them, and when we do happen to talk again, it’s as if nothing has ever changed. We update each other on the life situations that have happened, but the friendship still feels exactly the same.

Another woman I met during college was actually a lover. We continued to write to each other even after I met DTE and married, had kids, etc. She and I caught up with each other again after my second baby, and during a time in which my life was turned upside down. Partly due to my spiraling emotional state, and partly due to our old, intense connection, we re-hooked up. I think, though, that we really didn’t know each other any more. We had both changed to such an extent that we just couldn’t “get” who the other was anymore. Our connection was based on what we HAD been, not what we had become. Things ended badly with her the second time around, and I feel sad about that. However, I also believe that neither she nor I had really changed that much; we were just in growing-stages of our lives when we re-connected. I believe that the initial attraction that we felt as friends is probably still there, and if we lived in the same city we would probably have found a way to re-establish a friendship. I look at this friendship as one being “on hold” for the time being, and someday in the future, if our paths cross, we’ll be able to talk.

My second oldest friend is someone I met in 8th grade when we were 13. We weren’t especially close, but we hung out with the same crowd. When 12th grade came around, and I started a relationship with another young woman, many of my friends stopped wanting to be seen with me for fear of being called “dyke”. Not MF. She went out – in public – with me and my girlfriend. She took a brave stand in 1982, in a small town in northern WI. I will never, ever forget that. She made me feel like I didn’t have to be ashamed. We both ended up moving to the same city during college, and we always stayed in touch. I have many silly, happy memories of her during that time. She was always there for me, always non-judgmental, no matter how disasterous of a relationship I was in. She took it in stride when I told her I was dating a man, and was the maid of honor in my wedding. She lives far away now, but we have always stayed in touch. I still can tell her anything at all, no matter how embarassing or humiliating, because I know she always accepts me and never judges. What an incredible friend. I will always love her.

Steve is my buddy from 1989. He is an entirely different kind of friend, and I don’t know if it’s because he’s a man or not. I met him when I worked for him in college. We talked a lot while sitting around in the office; he was always larger than life with his opinions. He knew that most of what he said irritated the crap out of me, and he loved to get me riled up. He said I was “prickly” and he liked that. Thinking about it now, I think Steve helped me become more open minded. I liked him as a person, I enjoyed him, he was a good person, even though he didn’t think exactly like me. Wow – a mind blowing concept for a enthusiastic radical lesbian feminist seperatist (and, might I add, YOUNG). One of the things about Steve is that while he holds certain opinions with which I disagree, he has a decent reason for holding those opinions, and he is also very willing to admit that my opinions hold merit as well. Steve and I haven’t always stayed in touch over the years, but recently we’ve been writing again. (Gotta love email.) He’s going through a hard time right now, and he is doing so much hard, emotional work. It’s been a pleasure corresponding with him and seeing glimpses of the old Steve I knew, and also seeing how much he has grown.

Then there’s my friend Leisel, with whom I’ve gone through some rough patches. She and I both have done hurtful things that on the surface seem very hurtful to each other. And yet we both know each other so well – because we are so much alike – that we know the reasons for the poor decisions we’ve made, the reasons for the hurtful actions, and we know that they were not done deliberately to hurt each other but instead done out of our respective weaknesses. We forgive each other, in by doing that, we forgive ourselves. Plus, Leisel likes her beer as much as I do.

I could go on… my friend that I’ve tried to break up with, but with whom now we are delicately, gently trying to reestablish something. God how I love her, and want it to work.

My new friend, who is a complete joy. I think that, so far, every part of my life she gets. She gets the feminism, the lesbian past, the joy in my kids, the being married to an artist, the love of vintage things, the love of purses, the love of reading, the love of gossip – she is just quite perfect!

The guy to whom I can tell everything, but we hardly ever talk anymore. He makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has, and I adore him. I want him to follow me around all day long so I can make sure he’s ok (he’s gone through some really, really hard stuff lately) and also so he can keep making me laugh. I love my Taco Taco!

And DTE…what a person. He might not enjoy everything I do, but he loves me so completely that he accepts it all. He does anything for me, he is so open and expansive in his love that anything I do he still loves me. I’ve pushed and pushed him away, and he stays. He has been patient, forgiving, funny, and loving. He is by far the best father I have ever met in my life. When I think of friends I don’t usually think of him…. and yet he is that type of friend that is the best: they are there no matter what, like the air you breath.

So, Steve – why are we friends? Why are any two people friends? I think friends give each other something that the other one enjoys, be it companionship, laughter, honesty, or any number of other things. I think friendships don’t always make sense. I think some have short, but bright lives, and others are stable and enduring. I’ve had all sorts, and appreciate them. Even the ones that have gone terribly awry (which are too painful to even write about) have given me something to learn. I feel so lucky to have the friendships I have.

I’ve been a bad blogger, I know. Mostly downer stuff going on lately, so here’s more of my list for now.

76. I love to bake.
77. My creme brulee is famous in my family
78. My dream job is to be a children’s librarian
79. I want to go to Italy to buy bras and shoes.
80. I like older men.
81. I am self-absorbed.
82. I love getting gifts.
83. I love the change of seasons
84. I love visting New York.
85. I love plays.
86. I hate confrontation (I couldn’t even watch Donahue growing up.)
87. I need to be in charge of the remote.
88. I get car sick in the back seat.
89. I love to smoke.
90. I quit smoking 5 months ago, cold turkey.
91. I yawn every time I read out loud.
92. I love to put on moisturizer.
93. I don’t like water if I can’t feel the bottom of where I’m swimming.
94. I think Paula and Ellen (my college roommates) are two of the most beautiful women in the world.
95. I want to be buried with my Drowsy doll, and I want air holes in my coffin.
96. I am still scared of disappointing my dad.
97. I love peanut butter and chocolate together.
98. I love being on water, in boats.
99. I hate rollercoasters.
100. I like red wine and hate white wine.

Three things struck me as I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work.

1. There is a sign that says they have 972 organic items in the store. 972? No way! This is a really small store. They can’t possibly have 972 varieties of organic items, so they must mean 972 individual items. Like, 43 oranges, 156 grapes, etc. Who counted the 972?

2. As I stood in line at the pharmacy, waiting for my prescription refill, and my pound of whole bean coffee, I thought “Wow, I’m that chic woman I always wanted to be.” Buying pills and coffee, not poptarts and beer.

3. As I walked down an aisle, an older man (50’s, perhaps, just my type) with a child (second marriage?) checked me out and smiled. I don’t think I’ve noticed men checking me out since I was in high school. This was nice – a sober, cute, settled-with-who-he-is guy smiled at me! So then I noticed other people in the store – people in their sweats, hair tied back, crying kids… And I thought I figured out why he smiled. On the surface, I looked like something unlike the rest of the normal crowd. I had make up on, my hair was styled, I had on nice work clothes, a dress coat, and classy shoes. I looked like someone who I really am not – but hey, this is one of the perks of working outside the home full time. Occasionally I will garner the attention of a handsome man because he thinks I’m this cool, sophisticated woman.

DTE: I’m taking GMan to Blockbuster. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I don’t think so. Oh, how about some Milk Duds and Whoppers? And if they have The Constant Gardener, get that!
DTE: Oh, so I guess I have to go IN to the store?
Me: Well how were you going to get me what I asked for?
DTE: I was hoping you’d answer “Nothing”.

Wedding Crashers was a big disappointment. I mean, it was funny in a mildy amusing, ok sort of way. But by no means was it the laugh out loud kind of funny I thought it would be. Trust me, I really like stupid humor. I laughed until I cried at Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, and Dumb and Dumber (god, that is one of my deepest, darkest secrets!) Wedding Crashers? Eh.

I haven’t watched Dial M for Murder yet. I watched the entire first season of Lost instead, and I just couldn’t switch modes. I am hooked on Lost now. Damn. I am greedy though, so I think I’ll wait until the second season is out before watching it. As you know, I’m a TIVO woman, so I rarely watch tv with commercials. I just zip through them. (Do-doo, do-doo, do-doo is the lovely sound of the TIVO triple fast fowarding through them.) But on DVDs – well, that is even better! It just skips right over those breaks. A one hour show can be watched in 41 minutes.

I left the house one time this weekend, and that was to rent the last 3 disks of Lost. It was down to 8 degrees. Lucy came with me, and exlaimed “Oh! Curse this North Pole-ish weather!”

It’s finally getting cold. It seem that this winter has been incredibly wimpy. There have been maybe two snow storms this year, and they’ve disappeared pretty quickly. And I don’t think it’s been cold at all, maybe just one week of temps in the teens. Tonight it’s 20 degrees, and dropping.

I have nothing planned for the entire weekend. Football is over (sigh) and Gigi has come and gone (sigh again.) So, Lucy and I bundled up and went to our neighborhood video rental place. I rented Wedding Crashers (I love stupid humor), Dial M For Murder (was looking for Hitchcock’s “Rebecca” but this was as close as I could get) and the first half of the first season of Lost. The guy at the store couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it yet.

I plan to put on my pj’s and cozy up in bed and not leave all weekend. DTE made his famous potato-cheese soup so we have warm food to eat.

I love weekends like this. I love snowstorms. I love the feeling of having all I need, right here in my house. Food, beer, wine, and my three best loved ones. I might be a lazy slob, but I’m happy!

The two extras are to go with the two glasses of red wine I had tonight.

Extra #1 – I am late to work every single day.
Extra #2 – I am afraid to drive when it is thundering and lightening.

51. I went to Ireland once.
52. I love beer.
53. I love cosmopolitans (made by Jay, of course!)
54. I love cabernet.
55. I love riding my bike alone on long, winding, quiet rides.
56. I love laughing with Leisel, with whom I will go to the Pretty Hell.
57. I love driving my dad’s Mercedes Benz. Smooooooth.
58. I think I’ll never grow up.
59. I was raised Catholic. We did the rosary together as a family in the den.
60. I never went to Catholic school.
61. My major in college was Women’s Studies.
62. I have lived in five states.
63. I like the Blues.
64. I am a middle child.
65. My favorite school years – 2nd, and 9th.
66. Name of my first boyfriend: Chuck (Name of first girlfriend: Erin)
67. Name of my second dog: Chuck
68. I have had four dogs in my life so far
69. I have one son.
70. I Have one daughter.
71. My mom and my husband are the two smartest people I know.
72. I don’t usually like people.
73. I want breast reduction surgery.
74. I don’t like my nose.
75. I suck at tennis.