Irishgoddess’s Weblog

I may have said this before, but it bears repeating:  Reno 911 saved my life.

Today I had my first mammogram.  I have always heard that they hurt, but it wasn’t painful at all.  Uncomfortable, maybe, but only for brief moments.

The thing that struck me about it was how vulnerable it made me feel.   I was exposing an intimate part of my body, having it touched and moved and squashed, in a medical facility.

I kept thinking of the many women who had been there before me because of something they felt.    There was literature all over about chemotherapy.  I frankly felt afraid.   What if, what if.

I’ve had many pap smears throughout my adult life, but for some odd reason they don’t seem nearly as invasive to me, at least on a spiritual level.   Does anyone else feel that way?

Gina, Lisa M, Lisa R, Alex, Gretchen, Sherry, Chuck (!), Erin, JP, Ken, Cynthia,  Michele (as always), John D, Kathy, Dennis, Ellie, Amie and Dylan (yea!), Cash, Reagan, Holly, Sharyl, Grady and Claire:

Every one of these people made me feel really good in 2009.

My predictions for 2010:

Gina and Lisa R will continue to heal.

Gretchen and Lisa R are going to find love, by themselves or with someone else.

John D is going to find something new in his life.

Ellie is going to continue her life of love with Aaron and Alex and Reagan and another new baby!!!!!

Dylan and Aimie will keep opening up because of their strength and the love that Cash is letting them feel.

Sherry, JP, Erin, Chuck, Michele, Ken, Cynthia and Alex will keep on being their wonderful selves.

Holly is going to discover happiness.

Kathy will continue to be happy and find even more calm and peace.

Sharyl will show the great things that come from working hard.

Dennis, Grady, and Claire will know a year of love.

AARRRGGGHHHHH.

She told me today she hoped that GMan’s hair cut didn’t cost very much because it was terrible.  She told me the reason I was poor was because we go to WI too often.  (I went once in July.  DTE and GMan went once in November.  Oh, and I went one other time this fall when my friend paid for the entire trip.)

Dennis’s 4 other children all live in WI.  They are all married, and they all have children, most all of them under the age of 4 except for one.    Our two kids love spending time with their nieces and nephews and half-siblings, as well as the assorted other uncles and aunts and cousins.  We see all of them maybe 1-2 times a year.  They have no cousins on my side of hte family, one uncle they see once a year, and one aunt who lives in town and rarely makes an effort to see them.

My mom is pissed because I told her we are leaving her cottage on the morning after Christmas.  Now – we have spent the last FIFTEEEN Christmases with her.  She has NOTHING nice to say, ever, about GMan, her 15 year old grandson.  She rarely has anything nice to say about DTE.     But somehow she thinks we should want to spend the day with her – I guess so we can be verbally abused by her.

I didn’t want much for Christmas.  On my list to her I asked for practical things (as she had isntructed me to do).  I asked for apple juice for the kids and laundry detergent for myself.  Those big, stupid, bulky items that I always seem to need but hate paying for.

She told me I would have $ for those things if I quit going to WI.   (Who said I didn’t have $ for them?  I just said I hated paying for them.  And would she actually give me $ for a trip to see D’s family?  No.)

I explained to her that our trips cost very little – we normally stay with friends and family, and we pack our food for the car.

And then I got frustrated with explaining anything.   If she is feeling sad that we aren’t staying with her for long enough (mind you, we live TWO BLOCKS AWAY FROM HER) then she should just say so.  Instead, she chooses to nag at me.  gah.

We love our trips.  We love the time in the car together, just the four of us.  We love the friends we go to visit.  We love the family we go to see.  We love that the family we go to see is so happy to see us, they are so welcoming, they are so NON CRICITCAL.

This is all really stupid, I know.   I need to learn to stand up to her.   I need to let her issues STAY  her issues, and not let them get to me.    Easier said than done.

But I vow – if she says anything shitty to my kids, or my husband, I am going to tell her that she needs to keep her mouth shut.   I do not want to subject my family to that.

Finals are over!  I’m halfway done with law school.

This term I got a new study group, and worked a lot harder.

Tomorrow…sleeping in, reading, watching movies.  Can’t wait.

11/16:  Thankful for my “new” study group of Alex and Jessica.  They are smart, they motivate me, they take school seriously, and they are fun, too.

11/17:  Thankful that Erin is in my life again.  And thankful for the world to which she opened my eyes.

11/18:  Thankful that I came home to a partner who was already making dinner.  And when I came home again after study group, the kitchen was spotless.  That’s what I call foreplay!

11/19:  Thankful that D’s finger is not infected at all, despite having a pin in it for the last 3 months.  THANKFUL that I don’t have to work on Friday!

11/20:  Thanful that therapy has become something I like, instead of something I dread.  Thankful for the very quiet day I’ve had so far.  Thankful for my mother offering to help with Lucy’s bday party.  And thankful beyond belief that middle son Dylan is reaching out to his dad.  He called this afternoon to invite “GMan” to his place for Thanksgiving, and then added that the rest of us were welcome too.   The best thing ever is witnessing Dylan grow out of his self-protective mode and learning to allow himself some happiness and love from others, especially his dad.

November 11 – glad I had to go home, made an easy but yummy supper that everyone loved!  So thankful to share good food with my family.  We have a tradition that when all four of us sit down and eat together, we also watch “Soap”.  Episode 15, Season 1 so far.

November 12 – Thankful that I have a job that is flexible.  I was able to leave an hour early, and get some really good tips on externships from a professor at school.

November 13 – Thankful to have so many things going on, and the health and ability to do them all.  Therapy in the a.m. (at a point where I’m starting to ENJOY it) worked for an hour or so, lunch with Alex, class, dinner with Alex and Jessica, and another class.  I love the school environment.  And I love listening to the travails of a 25 year old woman who is dating.

November 14 – thankful for another full and beautiful day.  Group in a.m., then make up class.  Mall with Lucille, and Krispy Kreme donuts.  Mmmmm.  Nap, then helped L plan her birthday party, raked the yard, and helped D put up the Christmas lights.   Jaw-dropping event of the day:  GMan is cleaning and organizing his room.  He is putting away books and things that he has refused to TOUCH for the last 8 years.  He dusted!  And then he asked DTE for a new pair of shoes, some ties, and some dress shirts.  This, all from a kid who hates ANY change, EVER.

An acquaintance made a comment to DTE a while ago about GMan that really got under my skin.  I’ve been doing lots of research, and am fairly certain that he exhibits traits of Asperger’s.  Low on the scale, I’d say, but there are some definite connections.  Extremely bright.  Excellent memory and advanced verbal skills.  Excellent logical abstract thinking.    Doesn’t socialize well.  Hard time making eye contact unless he’s VERY comfortable.   Strongly into routine.  Has certain “comfort habits” such as wearing the same thing all the time. (Oh my god, the black sweatshirt that can stand on its own!)

So his behavior today has been absolutely surprising, charming, and pleasing to me.  He’s been feeling good, chatting with me and DTE.  Making some positive changes in his environment.  Doing so on his time seems to help a lot.  It might not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me it shows two things:

1.  He is watching, and learning, how to socialize others.  Lots of teens go too far the other way, only wanting to do things because everyone else is going it too.  For GMan to want to wear certain clothes that others are wearing is HUGE.  It shows me he is learning that when he doesn’t willingly separate himself from others (and/or push them away) that he might actually enjoy the resulting companionships.

2.  He is feeling safe enough/comfortable enough to change his room – his one absolute safe haven.

I am thankful that yesterday my dad told me I did a good job.  And then today  my mom called me, and said that my dad told her she “would have been very proud of” me.

8 – I am thankful that my brother is excited to hear from me when I write.  I am thankful for his blunt honesty.

9 – I am thankful that I got a HUGE rush tonight out of  play-acting the job I might actually have some day.    And my dad got to be there to witness – so cool.

I go to law school somewhere between part and full time.  Part time is 6 credits or less, full time is 12 or more.  I take 9.  January will by my 6th term.  I think it will be my best so far.

First, I’m going to be taking Federal Administrtive Law.  Sounds awful, doesn’t it?  But it’s being taught by an actor/professor that some of my friends have had before, and apparently he is a fantastic prof.

My se cond class will be Pretrial skills, which is a required class and full of basic info that is just going to be good to know.  NO EXAM!  There will be a paper/brief/some type of major project due, but I can handle that because….

my third class will only be TWO credits, and again, NO EXAM!  Here is the course description:

Defending Battered Women – ELEC 787 LECT

PREREQUISITES: RESEARCH & WRITING (RESW214LECT) AND CRIMINAL LAW (CRLP107LECT) AND CRIMINAL PROCEDURE (CRLP305LECT).

Provides students an understanding of domestic violence and the ways in which its victims are represented within the criminal justice system. Examines the dynamics of abuse, including syndrome theories. Focuses on how women become involved with the criminal justice system, and the general mechanics of a criminal trial for women who defend themselves or retaliate. Explores Battered Women’s Syndrome evidence and how it can be used. Discusses the phases of trials and appeals in which battered women are defendants. Representation from arrest through the appeal will be covered. Examines current state of the criminal justice system as it relates to domestic violence victims.

I think itB’s going to be great.  It’s also taught by the best prof I’ve had so far – a woman just a few years older than me, who spent her career as a public defender.

I haven’t been this excited since first term.  I needed this.   I am still doing fine, all things considered.  I still have a gpa that is decent, and if you gave me the ‘extra credit’ of also working and having kids and a marriage, I’m doing great.   But last term was a rough one in my personal life, and my grades reflected that.   I’m so lucky and thrilled that things are turning around, in all areas.

Added bonus:  Because that class is only two credits, it means I will have an extra $995 in my pocket next term.  Woo hooo!!!